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The Lawyer Who Grabbed My Balls (11/06/2007)

released: Nov 06, 2007

description: Coach Lawrence Craft watches as children play pick-up basketball on the playground. When the children run eagerly over to him for his opinion, he grumbles an indifferent response. Unbeknownst to the children, he has sorrow in his past related to the game: he was once the greatest coach in college basketball, taking North all the way to the championships against UConn. However, when all his starters fell injured at once, the team lost shamefully. Craft was sued by Michael North and the North Alumni Association for fifty million dollars, putting him in his current state of poverty and depression.

Coach Craft retires to his dingy apartment to enjoy a microwave lasagna with his cat, Pep, when there is a knock at the door. Betty Jones enters and informs Craft that she represents the Northwest University Corn Snakes. A recent tragedy has taken their coach, and she is interested in having Craft replace him. Craft immediately goes with her to her office where he signs the contract and get immediately to work.

Although the corn snakes take to him immediately, Craft is met with disdain when the team finds him on the court. They refuse to believe a dirty, broken-down old man can help their already great game. Craft sets about proving them wrong, working them harder than they have ever worked before, and likened their play and teamwork to that of the corn snake, their mascot. He challenges them to face the corn snake and even befriend it. Although some of the team is inspired by this, and believes that they can go even further than ever with Coach Craft, most of the team, particularly Jimmy Driftwood, remains doubtful.

The team begins to strengthen and improve even further under Craft's leadership, and thus begin to warm to him. They learn that since they have gone undefeated, they have the opportunity to participate in the College Basketball Olympic Tournament, which is a once in a lifetime event. The team is thrilled and begins to practice even harder. Craft, however, is visited by Betty Jones, who introduces North. North informs Craft that he is running the Olympic Tournament, and as such, he is setting up Craft to fail: the team will go directly to the final game, where they will play the Moscow team and UConn at the same time on booby-trapped court.

Craft informs the team of this kink in their works. At first, they are discouraged. However, they believe in their coach, and as a demonstration on this faith, they form a corn snake pile before him. Inspired, the team travels to the Roman Colosseum to play the Olympic game.

The announcers, Chris Tucker and Danny Glover representing the Outdoor Living Network, narrate as the first quarter of the game goes miserably, with the Corn Snakes receiving a furious pounding by the joint team of the Russians and the UConn Huskies. Craft pulls them all out and gives an uplifting pep talk. The Corn Snakes close the gap, and by the end of the third quarter, the score is close to tied. North scowls from the Emperor's box, and decides to call in his final desperate measure: the Harlem Globetrotters.

The Globetrotters showboat, but score few actual points. After another dose of inspiration, the Corn Snakes go into the last two minutes of the game determined to win despite a twenty-two point lead by the UConn/Moscow/Globetrotters team. They play furiously, and as the buzzer goes off, Driftwood lands a three-point shot that results in a tie. He is also awarded a foul. Driftwood declares the shot to be for Coach Craft, and as the coach watches the ball fly through the air, his heart stops. The ball falls through the net as Craft falls to the ground.

The team celebrates their win on the court, but then notices their coach. They rush to him, but he is unresponsive. The team carries the coach out of the Coliseum as a hero, as the announcers note that Lawrence Craft came into the game a washed-up failure, and left a dead hero.

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