revolver journal

Where is Rob White?

by jorin

Well, for those of you have noticed Rob White has been missing, it’s time to disclose that he’s been on a little trip to Florida.

His exploits have been documented here:

Naked Crackhead Eaten by Alligator

Now, it looks like he gave some misinformation on his age, and he sure looks different when he grows that mustache, but it’s him.

He even used his favorite pseudonym, taken from combining the first name of his all-time favorite Pittsburgh Pirate and the medical test with which he is fixated.

In any case, he started sending us some updates, and I thought I might share them.

jorin Says:
December 8th, 2006 at 11:27 am
We got this first, a few days ago:

I am currently down in the Everglades (I am writing this from my Blackberry). I’ve stripped naked and smoked a fair amount of crack. I think I’ve been wondering around for hours just looking for a gator, man, this crack is playing tricks on my mind. Anyway, I’m gonna keep up my search down here…I hope I find a gator soon, I don’t have much crack left. It is really hard to maintain a crack high.

I hear it is really cold in Chicago, so stay warm! Can you believe that it is a warm 72 degrees here? A man could, theoretically, walk around naked and cracked out of his mind and not feel the slightest chill.

I don’t remember where I put my clothes,

rob

…
jorin Says:
December 8th, 2006 at 11:32 am
Then a day or so later:

Damnedest thing happened this morning…After a long day of searching for an alligator (and smoking an inhuman amount of crack) I started off for a place to eat (and if I stumbled on my clothes, great!). I must have gotten pretty deep into the Everglades because it became apparent, quickly, that I was lost. I was alone, naked and starving (and pretty high on crack) so I did the only thing I could do to curb my appetite, I ate the rest of my crack.

That must have knocked me out pretty soon thereafter because the next thing I remember is waking up and going to rub my eyes…only one of my hands came up to my face. It appears I found what I was looking for after all. Not more than two feet away from me was an alligator eating, what must have been, my left arm (don’t worry, I’m right handed). I spent the morning trying to get away from him, but he won’t leave me alone. I ran as fast as I could, but he was always right behind me. That eventually came in handy when I accidentally stumbled into a homeless camp somewhere in the woods. They circled me and were about to attack me (it appears these homeless people were cannibals) when, Steve Irwin (yeah, I named him) came out of nowhere and killed all of them.

Needless to say, the two of us are now inseparable. We’re slowly making our way back to Chicago (it is really hard to hitchhike and carry things with only one arm, LOL), also, you would be amazed at how many people aren’t willing to give an alligator a ride. I’m thinking it is going to take a while, but if Steve and I manage to get back to the windy city in time, we’d love to see your show. I’ve been telling Steve all about improv, he had a tough time getting it until I mentioned Wayne Brady’s name.

rob

Oh am I still naked? No, I managed to piece together quite the ensemble from all of those dead homeless cannibals. I can’t wait to see what you guys think of my new look. Man, it took forever to type this out on my Blackberry.

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jorin Says:
December 8th, 2006 at 11:34 am
And just a short one:

Steve Irwin is getting all cranky because I’m not paying attention to him. I also need to go to Jewel and buy more whole chickens. Man, alligators eat soooo much.

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Where is Rob White?

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