revolver journal

Let me start off first by saying that I’ve been unemployed more than just two days - it’s closer to a month.  But this is only the 2nd day I’ve decided to post something about it.

As you may remember, yesterday’s excerpt was sent in the form of an e-mail regarding cashcall.com, which advertises itself with the line “Get 1,000s of cash in your account - just for trusting you!”

Today’s snippet comes courtesy of the Maury show.  It’s a day that ends in “d-a-y”, so that must mean it’s paternity test day! 

Today, we found out that Jessica has a baby named Trey whom she believes was fathered by a guy named Uriah.  Poor Jessica had to literally beg for diapers for Trey from friends and family members - and Uriah was nowhere to be found.  From the looks of Jessica, I’m guessing she also had to beg someone to change Trey as well.  I’m assuming she had somewhere else to be at the time….it may have been 49-cent hamburger day at Mack-Donald’s, and being an unemployed male, I can’t say that wouldn’t keep me from my responsibilities either.

Anyway, before you chastise Uriah, keep in mind the defense he offered in his confessional video - ”in order for me to be the father, she would have to have been pregnant for 11 months - I counted the weeks on my phone!”

You know, I remember when my cell phone had a seaweed green backscreen and only told you what the current day was.  And it needed to be charged more times a day than Trey’s diapers need to be changed.  But this “next-gen” phone, as they call it, just may have saved Uriah.

Here comes the manila folder with the results.  Maury wants Uriah to be in the baby’s life if the results come back positive…….but there’s no need!  “Uriah, you are NOT the father!!!”  Yep, as it happens 35% of the time on these shows, she a ho.  As an unemployed male, I can’t stress enough the need to eliminate gold-diggin’ ho’s from our society.  So fathers (and those of you who plan to be fathers), when you teach your daughter about life and love, make sure you plan an afternoon to talk about not being a gold-diggin’ ho.

Anyway, Uriah rightly celebrated this triumph with what can best be described as a barrel roll and a crude version of the backwards roll I learned in my 4th beginner aikido class.  Jessica did not cry when the verdict was read - after all, she still has her health.  But she walked backstage with the half-smirk of a child who just knew he got caught in a lie when he said the dog was the one who covered the wall in crayon scribblings - except the scribblings Jessica had done were scribblings of being a gold-diggin’ ho.